The Girls' Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse

Cassandra of the Apocalypse: Susan Sontag

2012-02-22T18:19:00.000Z

By Katemandi, Last Girl on Earth

"That even an apocalypse can be made to seem part of the ordinary horizon of expectation constitutes an unparalleled violence that is being done to our sense of reality, to our humanity."

"Anything in history or nature that can be described as changing steadily can be seen as heading toward catastrophe."

"Authoritarian political ideologies have a vested interest in promoting fear, a sense of the imminence of takeover by aliens and real diseases are useful material."

"Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, at best, reformed or potential lunatics."

"Science fiction films are not about science. They are about disaster, which is one of the oldest subjects of art."

"The problems of this world are only truly solved in two ways: by extinction or duplication."

Music for the Apocalypse #23: I Can't decide, The Scissor Sisters

2012-02-21T18:00:00.000Z

by Apocalypse Womble

Party down with the Master, flying high above the ruins of New York and the radiation pits of Europe:

This tune is famous for its use in the above scene from 'Last of the Time Lords', the finale of series three of the new Doctor Who, but you don't have to be lost in a Whovian apocalypse of paradoxes, Time Lords, and Toclafane to enjoy this one. Found one of your friends trying to conceal a zombie bite? Well, you really ought to kill them before they change, but that's a hard choice to make. Why not slap on 'I can't decide' to set the mood?Looks like I'm not the only one who's thought of this:

Incidentally, this video has a random two minutes of black silence stuck on the end. No idea why, but NotEvenYours appears to be the only person on the Internet who thought of combining 'I can't decide' with The Night of the Living Dead, so they win the pize of our attention for the effort, anyway.

- Apocalypse Womble out

How to Destroy Humanity - A guide for Alien Invasion, Part 2

2012-02-21T17:02:00.000Z

In part 1 we looked at the things you need to think about before invading Earth.
In this second part we will look at ways of dealing with Earth once you've arrived.

Destruction at a Distance
In some cases it can be easier not to land on the surface. The humans have strewn a lot of junk around their planet and it could easily ruin your paintwork.
Staying in orbit can save you a lot of trouble (see Can anything kill or maim you?) and you may be able to accomplish what you need to do from your ship.

If your plans mostly involve destruction then staying in orbit is probably safer, plus you get an excellent view of the explosion, and that's the best part.

Of course, if you are going down the planetary destruction route make sure you have the correct equipment on board.
There's nothing more embarrassing pressing the Big Red Button only to find that you didn't actually pack your Doomsday Device, or that you barely have enough firepower to destroy Tokyo.

If you want to intimidate the earthlings this too can also be accomplished from space. Humans are very gullible and tend believe whatever they see on screens, so even if your ship is a bit shoddy, your weapons keep failing and your species are the size of earth children, it's not difficult to scare the humans.

For all they know she could be 6 inches high.

Up Close and Personal
Depending on your plans it is possible that you don't have to wreak destruction on a global scale. After all intergalactic credits don't grow on bio-luminescent rods, so you might as well make savings where possible. The fewer humans you have deal with the simpler your mission is likely to be, so while it's easy to think global, try acting local.

Working in Secret?

You'll find that humans usually work better with members their own species - well, apart from all those times when they don't.
If it is easier not to make your presence known at all try masquerading as one of them. This can be vital for collecting research or avoiding detection. Make sure you have a cunning human disguise in order to blend in.

I broke my nose.

Being Yourself

First Contact is a tricky undertaking and it's easy for there to be misunderstandings on both sides. Think carefully about the kind of impression you want to make and tailor your behaviour accordingly. Remember to take the ignorance of humanity into account (see Do your research).

There's no way to be sure how humanity will respond to you, so make sure you are equipped for a range of scenarios. You will have to be ready to improvise.
Hope for the best...

Thanks for the worship but Aten says no.

...and prepare for the worst.

In conclusion it is important to remember that every invasion is different. There is no 'perfect' way of accomplishing one. The success of yours will depend largely on your tech level, your species' characteristics, and most importantly what works for you. Though it's tempting to imitate someone more successful it is rare that this works out. Find what you love about invading and make sure that is your focus.
To maximise your chances of success just remember these two basic rules:
1) Prepare thoroughly.
2) Be ready to improvise.

Best of luck.

Stephen Colbert Nuclear Explosion

2012-02-19T19:40:00.004Z

I am currently doing a write up of an Apocalypse themed event I went to (Appropriately titled 'The Event') and I thought I would entertain you all with a YouTube video that was shown. :) Enjoy!

heads up

2012-02-18T06:00:00.007Z

We got a shout out as part of 'Awesomewatch' on Bad Reputation. Thank you fabulous ladies of BadRep.

Got a mention a whole back on Brick O'Lore too

Nightspore mentioned us and yes Hit Girl needs to go on the Idols list

Thank you folks.

Music for the Apocalypse #22: Battlestar Galactica Theme (1978)

2012-02-17T16:19:00.000Z

by Apocalypse Womble

Get your geek on, ladies, this is the the good shit. Don't get me wrong, I love the hell out of the BSG reboot, but I will always have a special place in my heart for the original. The fundamental idea was the same, and it was new and staggering: the nigh on total annihilation of the human race - a human race itself more advanced than our present culture, but still completely and utterly out-gunned by the thoroughly alien and other cylons. For of course, in the original, cylons were not created by human beings - their mechanical life evolved on its own.

Maybe the science was ropey, maybe the plots petered out, maybe the final resolution was bizarre, but the imagination here is captivating. This was an apocalypse that brought an end to twelve worlds at once. At the same time it challenged ideas about gender and attitudes towards sex. Maybe it didn't have the same kind of gutsy message to it as the remake's Starbuck and President Roslin, but the women forced the menfolk to accept them as viper pilots, and the character Cassiopeia foreshadows the likes of Inara as a woman in calm possession of her own sexuality. And, well, I defy you not to be stirred by this:

There are those who believe that life here began out there, far across the universe, with tribes of humans who may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians, or the Toltecs, or the Mayans. Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens...

Well, yeah, OK, we could do with a mention of the sisters out there fighting for survival, too, but I still say that it's stirring stuff:

- Apocalypse Womble out.

Apocalypses not otherwise specified: Drop Bears

2012-02-13T19:37:00.001Z

Drop Bears are a serious threat. Small bears that reside in trees in Australia. It's in the name really, they drop from heights and devour their victims in a bloody massacre and they are on the increase.

A Drop Bear apocalypse is the sort of thing no one would see coming. Literally, really who looks up anymore?

Check out the Drop Bear Aware bog for more information on drop bears and their habits.

If there is a Drop Bear apocalypse, if they get out of Australia you are going to need to take precautions. Hard hats for a start. It's a simple, inexpensive thing that could save your life! You may want to consider a lot more kevlar in your wardrobe and don't get too relaxed in the home, drop bears can drop from anything, door frames, ladders, curtain poles. They are evil and tricky and want to at your flesh.

Not much is really known about them, so really all I can advise is hard hats while you do the perimeter checks each night, stay away from trees in the dark and if you are forced to camp out at the end of the world keep an eye on the sky people.

image from here

Music for the Apocalypse #21: Silent Running, Joan Baez

2012-02-13T12:44:00.000Z

by Apocalypse Womble

So, this is the second glorious song recorded by Joan Baez for the Silent Running soundtrack - you can see the first, along with a synopsis of the film, here.

I get tingles every time I hear it. It starts out as a simple, hippytastic song about waiting for you man to come home with flowers in your hair and earth between your toes. Not an obvious choice for competent, self-reliant ladies to listen to in the post-apocalypse landscape, where survival is the first port of call. But as the song goes on the tone of regret and sadness seeps in. He's not coming home; there are no flowers or happy endings anymore: 'Tears of sorrow running deep/Running silent in my sleep'. It is a dream of past hopes that will never come true, innocent in their simplicity. This lady is on her own now.

Of course, in the film it's from his perspective - a fantasy woman waiting for him at home that he will never go back to. By this point Lowell has taken the last forests of planet Earth and hidden them out of radio contact behind Saturn. He's never going home; all he can hope for is that some day someone else will come out and find these habitats and restore the Earth. But we don't have to take the male narratives as they are given. It's a woman who's singing, singing of her life, after goodness and love has left the world.

It can't all be power chords. Sometimes you need to sit down and connect with your emotions. Sit together around your fire on a post-apocalypse evening and share memories of all that has been lost - sing a bit of Joan Baez.

- Apocalypse Womble out.

Music for the Apocalypse #20: Rejoice in the Sun, by Joan Baez

2012-02-10T21:42:00.000Z

by Apocalypse Womble

Zombies, plague, robots - we all know the traditional ones, but you better fear when the hippies bring apocalypse to the table. 'Rejoice in the Sun' is the opening theme to Silent Running, one of the most haunting and visually stunning apocalypse movies, and one that made a very big impression on my four year old mind as I sat completely not getting that the main character is a few chips short in the casino of the mind. He's a peculiar kind of anti-hero. He's not witty or rakishly handsome, he's just so zealously in the right that nobody likes him except some broken down robots he programs to be his friends after he kills everyone else. Ummm.

Basically, Silent Running is the ultimate environmentalist apocalypse movie. Waterworld eat your heart out. The premise of the movie is that we fucked the world so royally that no plants can exist on Earth anymore. We put the ones we had left into biodomes and sent them into space. Then we decided that even having forests in space was an extravagant expense and told the men who had spent their lives protecting and caring for the forests to destroy them and come home. Lowell doesn't like that, and that's where it all starts going a bit wrong...

Anyway, there's nothing quite like singing in the end of the world with the clear, resonating voice of Joan Baez:

This song features the lyric: 'Gather your children to your side... Tell them all they love will die' but carries on cheerfully to recommend Grow Your Own as a solution:

Tell them it's not too late
Cultivate, one by one
Tell them to harvest and rejoice
In the sun

Let's just say: it's a song after my own heart. Even if you're in space, you still have to dig for when the canned goods run out.

- Apocalypse Womble out

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

2012-02-10T20:35:00.000Z

Ok, so we are apocalypse girls and we are going to survive, but just in case, worst case scenario I want you all to know how I expect you to deal with me.

Zombie Bite.
Shoot me between the eyes the minute I start to look fluish if i've been bitten. I do not want to turn into one of those mindless gross things and I do not want to take any of you with me. Shoot me, then either behead and bury or burn, whichever is most practical.

Rise of the Machines
Ok there isn't much you can do here, either I survive or I get blown away, so just keep yourselves safe and move on. No worries.

Vampire Bite
Ok, this really depends what we are talking, if the vamps are pretty much bloodsucking fanged, day shy peopl then leave me be, I can totally rock the Lestat vibe. If they are drooling walking parasites stake me, behead me, salt and burn my bones before the sun sets on my cooling body.

Werewolf bite
yeah I don't care what kind of were's we are dealing with, leave me the hell alone, I have no problem at all with turning furry from time to time. *grin*

Generally speaking, what I expect from my friends is a thorough disposal. I do not want to be eaten or turned into anything gross. I don't mind being turned into something reasonably cool, I kind of mind being dead but there are things I object to more. So, go all out, shoot me between the eyes, cut my head off, salt and burn everything, just to be sure. I appreciate it.

Get Your Fight on 2

2012-02-09T23:35:00.002Z

It occurred to me after posting the last article I did that all of the feisty females were from Europe. That seems a little unfair, so I have scoured the annals to bring you more potted histories of warrior women from around the world. These are ladies who could inspire us all with their heroism, bravery and sheer determination.

Lakshmi Bai, The Rani of Jhansi 19th C. Lakshmi was the Queen of Jhansi, a state in Northern India. She became a figurehead and key player during the Indian Rebellion against the rule of the British East India Company. And a sword and buckler lady to boot, thumbs up!

Amazons

The Amazons - The Ancient Greeks first encountered these women in Northern Africa (now Libya). There were later amazons of Dahomey in West Africa. These were an elite, all female militia, that served as royal bodyguards and also priestesses.

Fu Hao

Fu Hao - One of many wives of King Wu Ding of the Shang dynasty. She was unusual in that she was also a military general of many campaigns and a high priestess who advised her husband.

Artemisia of Caria I

Artemisia I of Caria - A general under Persian King Xerxes. After the Persians lost the battle of Salamis he commented: “My men have turned into women, and my women into men.”

Ya Asentewa - Ashanti Queen who led the rebellion against the British in Ghana in 1900, with balls of steel:

"If you the men of Ashanti will not go forward, then we will. We the women will. I shall call upon you my fellow women. We will fight the white men. We will fight until the last of us falls in the battlefield."

Arachidamia - Spartan Princess 3rd Century BC. When the council of elders suggested sending the Spartan women to Crete during the seige of Lacadaemon, Arachidamea entered the forum with a sword and shield in protest, contesting the idea that the women were expected to survive their own city. She then directed the Spartan women in assisting the battle, digging trenches and running weapons and food to the men.

Hangaku Gozen - Female Samurai, Japan 13th C. Loyal to the Shogun, Lady Hangaku took up a defensive position in a fortress and commanded 3,000 warriors against 10,000 enemy troops during the Kennin uprising. She was said to have been extremely beautiful, and wielded a naginata in battle.

Aijaruc - Tartar Princess 13th C. She refused to marry any man she could defeat in single combat and as a result won 10,000 horses for her father. Marco Polo wrote:

"This damsel was very beautiful, but also so strong and brave that in all her father's realm there was no man who could outdo her in feats of strength. In all trials she showed greater strength than any man of them."

Maria Quitéria - Brazilian soldier and national heroine 19th C. She cross-dressed to serve in the Brazilian war of independence.

Yim Wing Chun - 18th C Chinese Novice Nun. The creator of the martial art from whom we take the name, it was taught to Yim by her mentor Ng Mui, a Shaolin Abbess, who came up with the idea after seeing a crane fighting a snake. Yim developed this art and used to defend herself against a man who was trying to force her into marrying him.

Get your fight on

2012-02-09T00:30:00.000Z

When planning for a dystopian future it’s sensible to look to the past for inspiration (it doesn’t get much bleaker than that, right?).

Women weren’t always constrained by society from taking part in combat. High born ladies liberated by the death of a spouse or parent sometimes found themselves inheriting an army, or exposed to sword training normally only reserved for male siblings. Others of lower birth cross-dressed and carved careers for themselves living as men. Some were just in the right (if you count it as lucky) place at the right time.

So I thought to get ourselves motivated for the end-times, savagery, and survival against the odds we ought to check in with some fighting femmes of yesteryear. There are SO MANY examples you can look to, this is just a small selection.

La Maupin - A fiery, flamboyant, cross-dressing bisexual French swordswoman of the 17th C. She killed at least ten men in duels, and was also a star of the Paris opera scene.

Ana de Mendoza de la Cerda - A Spanish aristocrat of the 16th C. Despite losing her eye in a fencing duel she was considered among the most beautiful ladies at court, and was one of the most talented women of her time.

Jeanne D’Arc - Perhaps the most famous of all. A farm girl who led the desperate French to several victories during the hundred years war, she was later burned at the stake by the English as a witch.

Ann Mills – British sailor 18^th C. Ann was a daring female dragoon not averse to a spot of head collection.

Bona Lombarda – 15^th C Italian peasant turned condottiere. Kidnapped at fifteen by infantry captain Pietro Brunoro, their relationship developed until Lombarda became his lieutenant and constant companion. After many battles, she tirelessly petitioned for his release when he was imprisoned for treason for ten years, after which they eventually married. At the siege of Castello di Pavone, when it had fallen to the Milanese with Brunoro held hostage, it was Lombarda who, armoured from head to toe and armed with sword and shield, led the recapture of the fortress: “She was the reason the fortress was retaken and she was the first to place her foot inside.”

Catalina de Erauso - 17th C Spanish soldier. She left the convent at 15, having never even seen a street, disguised herself as a boy and signed up to become a soldier in Spanish America. Awarded special dispensation from the pope to continue to dress in men’s clothing after her secret was revealed, Catalina loved a scrap:

I approached him from behind and said, "Ah, Señor Reyes!"

He turned and asked, "What do you want?"

I said, "This is the face you were thinking of cutting up," and gave him a slash worth ten stitches.

He clutched at the wound with both hands, his friend drew his sword and came at me, and I went at him with my own. We met, I thrust the blade through his left side and down he went."

Caterina Sforza - A 15th C Italian noblewoman. Skilled with the sword and given to bold gestures in the face of adversity to protect her family. Most notably when her children were held by invading soldiers at swordpoint Caterina lifted her skirts and yelled “I can make more!”

Mary Read and Anne Bonny - these ladies were true ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’, getting into all kinds of high jinks. They were hard fighters and fast lovers who managed to evade the gallows even after capture.

The Princess and the Very High Room

2012-02-05T16:56:00.003Z

by Apocalypse Womble

Wherever you find yourselves, ladies, keep your wits about you and you will always be able to turn your situation to your advantage.

This princess is apocalypse ready, are you?

- Apocalypse Womble out.

The Ultimate Fantasy Weapon

2012-02-05T15:11:00.006Z

Taking a break from the ANOS (apocalypses not otherwise specified) I thought I’d take a moment to showcase what would come top of my list of ‘desirable but not necessarily real weaponry’.

Ladies (and of course gentlemen) I present to you: The Chainsaw Katana

This is the ultimate weapon of choice for the discerning zombie slayer. It has everything a slayer might need – a high-powered, many toothed electric chainsaw and the cutting ability and reach of the elegantly deadly katana.

This picture is from a brilliant and insane apocalyptic Japanese movie called HellDriver. I leave you with its superb and rather mind boggling trailer. This may be the bloodiest, most bizarre movie I have ever seen.

In other words I highly recommend it.

Know Your Idols #21 : Ace

2012-02-04T14:30:00.001Z

by honeybadger

Another of our Dr Who companions, much beloved of British girls. For me, much as I loved Rose, Martha and Pond, there is only really one companion, the companion of my childhood. Ace.

What's her deal? Ace was a tomboy with a bomber jacket and a baseball bat. She was tough, practical, scared of clowns and utterly loyal to the Dr even though he was nothing to look at in those days. Ace liked to blow stuff up (got her into trouble at school) and seems to think the Dr is pretty much going to get himself killed if she doesn't keep an eye on him. Similarly the Dr tries to educate Ace a little on their travels. She breaks tradition and gives him her own nickname 'Professor'. She met the Dr on another world having had a troubled life on earth. Love this girl. Her real name btw is Dorothy.

Research:
Dr Who: Remembrance of the Daleks, Silver Nemesis and Curse of Fenric among others.

Ace was fantastic, just a regular tom boy kicking ass and travelling the universe. She'd have made a good Apocalypse Girl I think. Sadly I haven't found a source of quotes but if any one else does let me know.

Honeybadger out.

AK47 + chainsaw = win

2012-01-31T07:36:00.003Z

You know us.

We're the ones who'll appear out of nowhere in the middle of the apocalypse (quite possibly rappelling down from a pink helicopter with Honeybadger at the controls... girl's got skillz) and shout "Come with us if you want to live," while looking fabulous.

But sometimes, we're less about the glamour and more about the Getting Things Done.

This? This will definitely Get Things Done.

We want one.

Actually, we want fifty.

(For more on this, head over to Gizmodo...)

---Daystar out---

Know Your Idols #21 - Victoria

2012-01-30T16:21:00.001Z

by GClarkHellery

Victoria is best described as Martha Stewart meets Mrs Smith - perfectionist home maker who can whip up a frenzy of kick ass faster than a soufflé.

What’s her deal:
A professional assassin, Victoria retired from the intelligence service after events in Guatemala. She was the best sniper MI6 had. Whilst working for them she fell in love with a Russian spy (Ivan Simanov) and her loyalty to queen and country was called into question. Putting her career before her man, Victoria staged an assassination of Ivan, shooting him three times in the chest, but missing his heart with each shot. Dragged out of retirement by Frank Moses she proves she’s still got what it takes and can take down even the best of men while wearing killer shoes, red lipstick, and an evening gown.

Research:
Red (the movie) 2010
Red (the comic) 2010 DC Comics

She says:
Frank Moses: Victoria is the best woman in the world with an RPN.
Sarah Ross: Oh, wow. Um, what's an RPN?
Victoria: [smiling] I kill people, dear.

Victoria: I was in love with an agent once.
Sarah Ross: What happened?
Victoria: Well, I was with MI6, and the relationship wasn't... sanctioned. So when it came to light, my loyalty was questioned, and I was ordered to kill him. It was a test.
Sarah Ross: What did you do?
Victoria: I put three bullets in his chest.

Victoria proves that there is art in assassination and brings a level of class and sophistication to the rag-tag group of assassins. She shot the man she loved to save herself and him. She also proves that there is no age limit on when it comes to looking glamorous while firing a gun and that army boots can be worn with an evening gown.

Zombie Attack Shoe Tips #2

2012-01-30T07:59:00.004Z

Yes, remember ladies... the zombie apocalypse could strike at any time!

Accessories are always important. And never more so than in combat situations. Make sure you don't get caught short in the survival fashion stakes with only a pair of flip-flops to hand.

Killer heels are always a must. (Colour optional.)

Guest Girl: Fran Terminiello

2012-01-29T17:40:00.000Z

I play with swords, so often my tweets will be about swordfighting, while Adele practises kickboxing. Recently someone tweeted the question: “who would win in a fight, @hagelrat or @franterminiello?” I was ready to throw in the towel before the field and seconds had been chosen (having pondered Adele’s nickname of Honeybadger I googled the animal to see why she chose it as her totem - cheezus have you seen what those bastards can do?) but Adele gallantly noted that we would be on the same side.

In my mind’s eye this would take place in a post-apocalyptic setting. Cue a LOTR competitive moment of seeing who can kill more bad dudes (we are the good guys, aren’t we? Of course we are!).

In the zombie films (apart from ‘The Road’ aren’t all apocalypses brought about by the undead roaming the earth, killing all in their path?) the standard weapons are shotgun, baseball bat or any large heavy object good for caving in skulls. Other weapons that spring to mind are lawnmower (Braindead), cricket bat and mug tree (both Shaun of the Dead) although I wouldn’t advise the latter, unless you were really pushed.

Of course, the ideal would be a ranged weapon - the further you are from harm the better - but eventually you’d run out of ammo.

In the past my weapon of choice against a ravaging revenant would have been something long and thin, rather than big and chunky. A chainsaw or similar hardware would be out of the question, you’d just drop it and run.

So how about a long-nosed screwdriver (my Dad’s an electrician, this is something familiar to me), something to stab in an eye or up a nose, into the brain? But this is when you are really desperate and there is nowhere left to run. Ask any martial artist, that’s usually the first option they suggest you take - GTFO.

And what if you can’t? Two years ago I discovered something that was long and thin and designed specifically for punching through skulls and torsos. Ladies, meet the rapier.

The rapier, it seems, is often misunderstood. People mistake it for smaller, later swords which are no less deadly and still don’t deserve this namby-pamby reputation. How any edged weapon can be considered less than lethal baffles me, a kitchen knife feels deadly in the hand, why not a sword of any stripe?

The rapier was the weapon of the renaissance: longer and thinner than medieval swords, and designed to kill with the point. The lunge that modern sports fencers perform was originally the move that made the rapier so devastatingly effective, a person could cover a great distance quickly, thrusting into their opponent at great speed.

Here follows a set of plates, taken from various fencing manuals at the time. They were very explicit, both with violence and nudity, and you can easily imagine that the guy with gore dripping from his eyeball is a rampaging mutant, cannibal, alien or zombie.

So come the judgement day, when all my molotov cocktails are spent and the defences won’t sustain, I’ll be holed up in my fortress, rapier and dagger in hand. And if the weapons don’t hold out or can’t be found? Well you’d best ask Adele for a guide to kicking zombies in the head.

Think Pink

2012-01-28T09:43:00.018Z

Despite it being a tad annoying that the automatic 'girl' version of anything means painting it pink, or, god help us, adding decorative flowers, there are some items in your survival kit that you can get away with having prettied up. Like guns. Doesn't matter what colour they are, no one is going to accuse you of being less than a hard-ass if you're pointing one at them.

If you want to go subtle, there's plenty of small pink guns on the market -

This one is easy to conceal with just enough pink to accent it without being overwhelming. Especially useful if you're off on a night out in zombie-town as you can stash it in your handbag but still be ready to do violence if the hoards try anything funny.

Anything in hot pink is always a fun addition to your weapons cache and this has a certain kind of disco-diva vibe to it. Another one good for a night out but can be worn openly as it'll finish off your dancing outfit perfectly.

For extra awesome-sauce, check out this Walther P22 - James Bond wishes he had something this sexy to take out the bad guys with. There's digital style patterning in khaki and pink which makes it a bit more subtle than the above but still very funky.

Sometimes you need something that'll let you shoot over distance, so here's just the thing, with handy telescopic accessories. You can snipe the zombie hoards from the safety of a gun perch while still being safe in the knowledge that you're bringing a little much-needed glamour to the post-apocalypse.

For heavier shooting action there's the AK47, though the pale pink is a bit wishy-washy so we'd prefer a shade of pink with a bit more pizazz.

And then there's Hello Kitty. More specifically, the Hello Kitty assault rifle which no self-respecting post-apoc princess should be without. Again, could do with being in a slightly funkier shade of pink but it's a fun piece of kit and if nothing else, you won't be accused of toting boring weaponry.

And if pink guns aren't enough for you, there's a host of other pinkified combat equipment out there - just avoid anything that comes in pink camo, because the only place the camo part will work in will be the girls' section of your local toy store and how often are you going to need to hide out there?

Though having said that, just because they're all trying to kill you, doesn't mean you can't be practical and glam at the same time, and a little pink camo will go perfectly with your new weapons so you can kick ass and splatter brains in style and who doesn't want that?

Battleaxebunny out.

Music for the Apocalypse #20: Gold Guns Girls

2012-01-28T09:27:00.004Z

So here we have Gold Guns Girls by Metric - not strictly about the apocalypse, but hey, guns and girls, right? That totally counts as Apocalypse Girl interests.

And check out the video - not only does the abandoned city-scape look like a classic post-apoc scenario but you just know that behind the camera there's zombies chasing them through the streets...

Battleaxebunny out

How to make friends and influence people, after the end of the world.

2012-01-27T21:10:00.000Z

Thanks to samueljedwards for prompting this.

by honeybadger

We've talked about dating post apocalypse and about picking your team, but why would you bother? A simple human truth, we are gregarious. We need society, or we end up painting a face on a basketball.

So it's inevitable, depending on the kind of apocalypse you might be better of alone than in a group, you will still seek out others. You will never know there intentions. in 28 Days Later our heroes head to the army base which should b safe, but rape is apparently on the agenda, even with children. Other members of your own species may want to steal your equipment and supplies, or worst case scenario, they may just plan to kill and eat you.

How then do you know who is a threat and who isn't? Simple answer, you don't. Never trust anyone. Your best friend when credit cards bills were your biggest problem, might cut your throat for a can of beans now the world has ended. Until you have worked and fought together you can't even begin to trust them.

In which case what do you do? Well you can chance it and as they stab you in the back be thinking 'but they had such an honest face'. you an get yourself a basketball, paint a face and shun humanity until society re establishes itself in pockets.

Or you can try and take a balanced view. When approaching a new person do so armed, with some emergency supplies buried nearby so if you are over powered and let for dead you aren't completely without resources. Try to establish quickly what benefit each of you can bring to the table. Think of it as any other relationship, you each need to enhance the others survival chances to make it worth the risk. Unique selling point people. What have you got that is worth letting you live for? Failing that, be faster and more ruthless and take their stuff and leave them for dead.

Honeybadger out.

Pirates of the Apocalypse

2012-01-26T20:06:00.002Z

by Katemandi, Last Girl on Earth

Arrr, mateys. The apocalypse be nigh, or so the ancient scrolls be tellin' me. And I ought to know, as I am also the sea-farin' captain of the Pirate Pub, currently on a trip 'round the world amassing the most accurate data on pubs to be visitin' around the globe that will reward yer piratical thirst.

All right, enough of Talk Like a Pirate: I'm serious here. Think about it: as the polar ice caps continue to melt, sending denizens of the white wastes ever southward, we have to face facts.

We're lurching toward Waterworld.

No! Not that crap film: the real thing! As the sea levels rise, how ready are you for the Aquaeous Revolution? How are your sea legs? Have you got:

a) hat
b) bandana
c) cutlass
d) gold earring
e) peg leg

How's your chantey singing coming along? Long sea voyages, as the Vikings well knew, require entertainment. If you're not whittling a new fo'c'sle or weaving new herring nets, you'll probably have to be tanning leather, silversmithing or telling stories. And they better be good stories or into the drink you go. Sea-faring folk are a tough audience.

Want a great role model? I give you Grace O'Malley/Grainne Mhaol, the Pirate Queen.

So, if you're wise, you'll start working on your knowledge of ocean-going vessels and get to know the common seabirds (and how to fricassée them). Practice glowering with just one eye and barking orders without spitting. Get rid of those city hands. Say a quick prayer to Yemaya. Bring me that horizon! Oh, and learn to tie a few knots.

What to do if you’re turned into an animal

2012-01-22T20:12:00.001Z

by GClarkHellery

Having been struck down by a version of the T-Virus which has left me bed-ridden, waiting for ‘the change’ to occur, I’ve been watching a lot of movies and I’ve noticed a trend: people get turned into animals with alarming regularity. I’m thinking of ‘The Emperors New Groove’, ‘Help I’m a Fish’, or ‘Spirited Away’ to name a few.

The impact of being a bitten by a werewolf or a vampire have been covered to death (excuse the pun) and all of the Apocalypse Girls are fully prepared should the worst happen, but what would you do if you woke up and found you were a fish? Or a llama? Or a pig? Suddenly you’ve gone from being at the top of the food chain to very much on the menu. So what can you do? Here’s a quick guide for if you wake up with a surprising number of additional limbs, or none at all.

Make yourself look bigger: Ostrich, cats, puffer fish and many other creatures use this tactic. If you look bigger than you actually are the chances are any predator will start having second thoughts and look for smaller fish to fry.

Camouflage: The chameleon is a successful predator as well as being on the menu for snakes and birds of prey. The reason for their success is their amazing camouflage, so look around you. Are you in a jungle? A coral reef? Try and blend in, being unseen is your best defence.

Stay on your feet. Remember all those wildlife shows with David Attenborough’s dulcet tones covering the killing of yet another antelope? What is the downfall (excuse the pun) of each of these creatures? They don’t stay on their feet. As soon as you’re on the ground you’re as good as dead. It’s difficult to defend yourself as your spreadeagled on the floor and it’s a lot easier for predators to attack your weak spots so as the song says ‘Keep on running’.

Safety in numbers. When you’re a tasty treat for a larger predator your safety lies in numbers. Think of the ‘bait balls’ of fish such as sardines, who congregate in large numbers. In the same way that camouflage helps you blend in, become part of the crowd, it might keep you alive.

Prepare food and be patience: As an animal you’re going to have to adapt what you eat and how to fit with your new lifestyle. For example, there is a group of monkeys in Boa Vista who love a certain type of nut. However, these nuts are tough to crack so they know that in order to prepare them they have to peel away the outer layers and leave the nuts in the sun for a week or two to dry out, then using heavy stones they can smash open the nut casing and enjoy the treat inside.

Let someone else be the hero: There’s an episode of ‘Life’ (voiced by the delectable David Attenborough) where juvenile penguins discover the sea for the first time. They are all eager to dive in, but one (the hero) beats everyone else to it. And what happened? The lion seal snagged him. This goes for horror movies, space ships and most definitely humans turned into animals - let someone else be the hero because they’re the ones who frequently end up being dissected on a slab by the Predator.

Find the one who turned you: Lets face it, you don’t just wake up and discover you’re an animal. Well, ok, most of the time you do, but generally there’s someone behind your transformation. Often it’s a wicked witch or warlock, a naughty sibling intent on revenge or a myriad of other people. In order to return to your human shape you need to find this person and then use your powers of persuasion (or a firm flipper!) to encourage them to turn you back. However, if all else fails, you should by now be fully equipped to live life as an animal.

Your apocalypse playlist

2012-01-21T21:00:00.002Z

Between us we have contributed a number of great tunes for the apocalypse, they are all available through the themed fun page but here is your apocalypse playlist so far so you can download the tunes and get ready for the end of the world.

Battle Star Galactica Theme 1978
Silent Running by Joan Baez
Gold Guns Girls by Metric
Rejoice in the Sun by Joan Baez
The Zombie Song by Stephanie Mabey
Wasteland Soul by Miracle of Sound
Blaze of Glory by Jon Bon Jovi
Summer Glau by John Anealio
Children of the Damned by Iron Maiden
Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult
Four Minute Warning by Mark Owen
Forever Autumn by The Moody Blues/ Jeff Wayne's The War of the Worlds
Apocalypse Please by Muse
I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire by the Inkspots
Times like These by the Foo Fighters
Blow me Away by Breaking Benjamin
It's the End of the World as we Know it by REM
Eighth Day by Hazel O Connor
Morning Dew by Robert Plant
The Fall by Big New Prinz
Na-Na-Na by My Chemical Romance
Eve of Destruction by Larry Underwood
We Will all go Together when we Go by Tom Lehrer
We're not Going to Make it by The Presidents of the USA

Music for the Apocalypse #19: The Zombie Song

2012-01-21T12:30:00.004Z

Just because it's the zombie apocalypse, doesn't mean love is dead (although it might be a little undead...) And so, for a dose of musical fabulousness, have a listen to The Zombie Song by Stephanie Mabey.

"If I were a zombie, I'd never eat your brain..."

I blame our mighty leader Honeybadger for this one entirely as The Zombie Song was used in the closing credits of the excellent Un:Bound Video Edition: Zombies (otherwise known as what happens when Leicester is over run by zombies in the middle of an author interview...)

And it's such a wonderfully catchy song...

"If I were a zombie, I'd never eat your brain.
I'd just want your heart, yeah I'd want your heart..."

Battleaxebunny out.

All Hail The Queen!

2012-01-20T20:25:00.003Z

Apocalypse Girls of the world unite because the queen of the zompoc is almost back!

With only a few months to wait until the full movie, here, for your educational entertainment is the trailer for the next chapter in the Chronicles of Alice.

We give you - Resident Evil: Retribution...

Cocktail Cabinet of the Apocalypse #16: Angel's Delight

2012-01-20T18:03:00.001Z

Rumour has it that this one bears a disturbing resemblance to drinkable Angel Delight pudding - only boozier and creamier.

Ingredients (Serves 1)
1 Measure Hendrick's Gin
1 Measure De Kuyper Triple Sec
1 Measure Double Cream
1 Measure Milk
0.5 Measure De Kuyper Grenadine

Method:
Shake all ingredients together well in a cocktail shaker.
Fine strain into a chilled martini glass and garnish with something that matches the very pinkness of it.

Battleaxebunny out.

(Original recipe from here)

Preparing for Disaster: The GO Bag

2012-01-17T02:53:00.009Z

Preparing for a Disaster

To prepare for anything from a hurricane or a earthquake you will need a disaster kit. In your disaster kit is your Go-bag (24-72 hours), Med Kit, Extra eRats (longer than 3 days), and the Bag O’ Evil (weapons of mass protection). Put the following items together in a backpack or another easy to carry container in case you must evacuate quickly. Prepare one Go-bag for each family member and make sure each has an I.D. tag. You may not be at home when an emergency strikes so keep some additional supplies in your car and at work, considering what you would need for your immediate safety.

A “Go bag” goes by many names, Wikipedia prefers “Bug-out bag“, the military likes “Bail-out bag”, and I’ve been known to use “GTFO bag” (Get The F!@# Out). In the end, all the names serve the same purpose. Having a completely preplaced, pre-packed bag that is ready to simply pick up and go. Hopefully, it will contain everything you need to survive on the short term (24-72 hours), until the emergency subsides (unlikely if the undead are wandering around or an alien invasion) or until you can get to a bigger cache of supplies (find the resistance or survivors).

A normal Go-bag will contain personal information that might be used to find loved ones, identify medical needs, and possible help get you into other countries. A GTFO bag or Bug-out bag for an apocalypse is a completely different animal. It can be lightweight or heavy for more long term surviving. It is also just a part of your ultimate survival KIT.

So today, we are going to talk about just the Go bag, GGSA style.g you need to survive on the short term (24-72 hours), until the emergency subsides (unlikely if the undead are wandering around or an alien invasion) or until you can get to a bigger cache of supplies (find the resistance or survivors).

Flashlight with extra batteries

MP3 player for kicking ass soundtrack

Spare pair of sunglasses that make you look bad-ass

Gas Mask (bio agents or poisoned air) see First Aid kit for bio-warfare counter agents.

Water- at least one liter per day per person

eRats- Emergency Rations, MRE’s, Backpack meals, or energy bars

Clothing- GGSA’s tend to be fashion forward, however, in an emergency save your ass first fashion second. These are the must haves:

1. Shit kickers

2. Bandana and gloves

3. Cargo pants (not jeans and with a quality leather belt)

4. 2 shirts (short and long for layering)

5. Kick ass sunglasses

Shelter- Tent or tarp, Mylar blankets and collapsible sleeping bags.

First Aid Kit- will go in to more detail later

Slim Jim or Lock pick set

Emergency Fire starter

Cooking pot- small pot or large metal cup to boil water.

Survival knife- may not be large machete but a 4-10 inch knife to use for survival stuff

Side Arm- Pistol, gun that can kill something to eat or maim to run away from.

Now this is just a few of the items you need to have if you survive the initial wave of death and devastation. Check back next week when we talk about the Bog O’ Evil, weapons Cache, or simply called weapons of mass protection.

The Ninja Turtle Threat

2012-01-16T13:24:00.001Z

by battleaxebunny

The problem with Big Business accidentally losing track of all its toxic waste is that sooner or later it's going to seep into places and mutate otherwise harmless animals into killer mutants set on taking over the world. Oh they'll try and claim otherwise, but we know the truth. The Turtles are out to get us so it's time to get prepared for the Turtle Apocalypse!

Natural Habitat
The enemy prefers sewers and is most known for lurking under New York. A cunning choice given that local legend suggests that it is in fact alligators who stalk the tunnels under the Big Apple. Local legend lies, or, at the very least, has been deliberately misinformed as the Turtles have killed any alligators or other vaguely predator (and, indeed, non-predator) life form to stray near their territory.

But don't think avoiding New York will keep you safe. London has legends of feral pigs in the sewers, Paris has a crocodile, the ancient Romans had an octopus and you definitely want to be avoiding the sewers in Derry, Maine as the stories on that one are too many and varied for anyone's sanity. Some may take this as proof that the sewers are mutating a variety of new and dangerous life forms but we know that it's really just cover stories for a worldwide network of killer Turtles waiting for the right moment to attack.

Know Your Enemy
Despite professing to be ninjas, they are not the subtlest of creatures and can often be found brawling in the open, usually with their own pet reporter in attendance. They have been known to wield Katana, sai, nunchaku or a bō staff, which, combined with their tendency to show off means a quick draw with a gun is your best bet.

They're not the brightest of creatures either and are highly susceptible to traps - we recommend pizza if you want to lure them out. Pizza is Turtle crack. If you're all out of pizza then get your hands on a giant talking rat as they seem to have something of a fetish for this mutant species. Something to do with father issues from what we understand.

They are also highly effective in the use of propaganda and keep a pet reporter specifically for the task of spinning accounts of their mass-murdering exploits. They even have a recruitment song:

Ok, yes, they may have wiped out a few evil-ninjas, local criminals and alien invaders but that was just them taking out the competition as they don't play well with others. Actually, most of the time they don't even play well amongst themselves which gives you an extra tactical advantage if you can make your strike when they're on one of their breaks. Go in quick, avoid any temptation to taunt them and take no prisoners.

And if you're not scared yet, remember this: they're also partially responsible for the Ninja Rap.

Truly they must be stopped...

Battleaxebunny out.

Cocktail Cabinet of the Apocalypse #15: Ninja Turtle

2012-01-16T10:45:00.000Z

This one looks like it's been poured from a barrel of toxic waste which is why it's utterly perfect for the ninja turtles of the apocalypse... Probably goes well with pizza, too.

Ingredients (serves 1)
1 Measure Hendrick's Gin
0.5 Measure De Kuyper Blue Curaçao
Top up with Orange Juice

Method:
Half fill a glass with cubed ice then build ingredients in order: De Kuyper Blue Curaçao, then Hendricks Gin and top up with orange juice.

Muddle ingredients together and garnish with a slice of (throwing) star fruit if desired.

Battleaxebunny out.

(Original recipe from here)

Keeps Grays Grayer

2012-01-14T04:36:00.005Z

Let's face it - even when the world ends, you're going to want clean clothes. But with electricity a precious or non-existent resource the options are limited. Washboards work, sure, but they're inefficient and heavy. Who has time to scrub when you're hunting zombies or being chased by would-be robotic overlords?

Enter the Laundry Pod.

Built like a salad spinner on steroids, this device is durable, light, portable, and water efficient, not to mention entirely man-powered. Plus the design is simplistic enough to be duplicated with salvaged modern-day materials, making it the perfect project (and chore) to keep children occupied and contributing.

Keep Your Powder Dry,
Green Valkyrye

GGSA at Pornokitsch

2012-01-13T16:28:00.000Z

The gang from The Girl's Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse trooped by Pornokitsch to share our thoughts about why we do what we do. Drop by and say hello and see what we have to say. Among the highlights:

When Adele invited women writers and bloggers to contribute to The Girls’ Guide to the Apocalypse there were mountains of women bursting at the seams to talk about this stuff, not because women are suddenly going apocalypse crazy, but because there have always been women who were interested in this stuff who haven’t been given the same platforms to talk about it that men have. ~ Apocalypse Womble

Possibly the reason it appeals to women so much is that the end of the world is a great equaliser. ~ Cathy

Pretty is all very well and good (we can be pretty and still kick-ass) but when it comes to genes that count towards replenishing the population, we have a lot more to contribute. ~ Foxglove

Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice.* And that’s before you get to the aliens, zombies, dragons and mad fairies. We don’t know quite what’s going to do it, but one thing’s for sure -- it’ll be interesting finding out. ~ Battleaxebunny

It is interesting to explore the changing dynamics within a family during the apocalypse. Parents, used to being firmly in control, may not be able to cope when everything they know collapses, while children may be required to take on more adult roles. ~ Geri

Music for the Apocalypse #18: Wasteland Soul by MiracleofSound

2012-01-10T20:12:00.004Z

Fallout, the epitome of games to do with the Apocalypse. A game where you wonder the wasteland, doing good or evil deeds as you see fit. (And really the game deserves a post all of its own.) So here is a song written about the game. The video contains shots from the game, and it all makes it feel very romantic. In fact I think I might go back to a'wondering and saving the wasteland from those pesky fiends. Do Enjoy.

Cocktail Cabinet of the Apocalypse: #14 The Chastity Flame

2012-01-10T14:15:00.000Z

by Katemandi, Last Girl on Earth

What's better than a kick ass role model? A kick ass role model with her own cocktail! Yes, it's the Chastity Flame, based on the super sexy spy (or do we call them 'governmental operatives' now?) created by C. Margery Kempe. I'll let her tell you about it:

If you want to bevvy up for the apocalypse, here’s a little drink you can try out. It first appeared in the Noble Romance Christmas Bonus Recipe Book. I was inspired by the wise words of one of my literary inspirations:

"Never despise a drink because it is easy to make."
~ Kingsley Amis, Everyday Drinking

When I created Chastity Flame, my sexy government agent, of course I had Ian Fleming’s Bond in the back of my head. While working on the sequel, Lush Situation (which draws its name from Richard Hamilton’s piece, of course), I decided that Chas needed a drink just as memorable as Bond’s “shaken not stirred” martini. Et voilá! I give you

The Chastity Flame:

2 measures gin (I recommend Boodle’s or Tanqueray Rangpur)
1 measure vodka ( I recommend Zubrowka, Reyka or Stoli)
A generous dash of bitters (is there any but Angostura that will do?)
Lime garnish

Pour all the ingredients into a shaker with plenty of ice, but don’t dawdle or it will get dilluted. Strain the chilled contents into martini glass — or a tumbler if you’re a heathen. Garnish with a lime slice and a shot of lime juice if you like that sort of thing (I do). It should be the color of Chastity’s amber eyes and be rather lethal, but then again, so is its inspiration. A perfect accompaniment for a stimulating book.

Or even the apocalypse!

How to Destroy Humanity - A Guide for Alien Invasion, Part 1

2012-01-09T21:49:00.001Z

So you've heard about a dense, blue-green planet in the Milky Way, inhabited by a diverse range of carbon-based lifeforms. It sounds like easy pickings and you never know there might be something useful there. You think you'll zoom on over and indulge in a spot of conquest and destruction. The planet is called Earth (by some of its ape-descended inhabitants anyway), and crushing it may not be as simple as it sounds.

Worry not, help is at hand/tentacle/appendage.
This guide will take you through the stages necessary when launching an attack on Earth. Hopefully it will help you avoid the pitfalls that could see you and your conquest forces defeated, destroyed or humiliated.
This first installment poses the questions you will need to ask before touching down on Earth.

What do you want from Earth?
Before you gather your forces and board your ship you need to consider what you actually want from Earth. If you are looking for slave labour there's no point using an attack that kills all the humans. Alternatively if you want to harvest natural resources from the planet, then killing the inhabitants will be a good first step.

Here are a few reasons for conquering a planet, each will affect your approach to invasion.

Natural Resources

Workforce/Slave Labour
Exploration/Experimentation

Prestige

Colonisation

Revenge

Boredom

A better view of Venus

Do your research
Now that you know what you want there is still some planning and research to be done. I know this is not as fun as swooping in, laser cannons blazing, but if you are going to successfully attack Earth and not be killed in the process it is important.

Can anything kill or maim you?

First of all it is important to check if the planet is even remotely habitable. This is what robotic probes and expendable minions are for. There's no point arriving on Earth only to find that the substance that covers 71% of it's surface kills you.

Make sure the lifeforms on the planet cannot easily disable you. I know it's tempting to only monitor the biggest, smartest, and most familiar-looking lifeforms, but remember that on an alien world almost anything might kill you. Any aversion to carbon-based lifeforms will be a major disadvantage. Plus Earth is teeming with micro-organisms that can cause issues unless you properly disinfect your tripedal weapons of conquest. If the native lifeforms are going to cause you a problem consider what hardware you'll need to wipe them out. If the entire planet is anathema to you, you may have to work at a distance.

Are you invading someone else's patch?

Does the planet/continent/country/city/dwelling you are invading have a powerful ruler or protector who could cause you problems?

If the answer is yes, you may want to choose a different planet/continent/country/city/dwelling.

Is violence the answer? Do you have the firepower?

Consider what your goals are and what you have learned from your preliminary research to decide whether it is necessary to actually destroy or conquer the planet. The humans can be troublesome, but they are also malleable. You may find that it's easier to get what you want through subtle manipulation, brainwashing or outright trickery.

If you really need (or want) to attack make sure you have a good look at Earth's weapons capabilities. I know at first glance they don't look very impressive, and it does seem remarkably short-sighted for a species to create so many weapons that harm only themselves. However humankind got where they are by adapting. Just because their tools are crude doesn't mean they won't quickly work out ways to use them against you. Before you set out make sure your arsenal is equipped for any situation, and that your own defences are strong enough to withstand a major assault by Earth forces.

Stay tuned for advice on what to do when you have arrived on Earth.